My Journey to Becoming a Mother

I’ve always known that I wanted to have kids and when I got married I was excited that I would soon start my family.  We waited a few years to start trying to have kids to just be married and enjoy being a couple before throwing kids into the mix.  We got married at 27, I had planned to be done having kids by 30 not starting to have them, but as we all know life doesn’t go as planned.  By 29 I told my husband I wasn’t getting any younger and it was time to start our family.  Needless to say, you don’t really ever really understand all the planning that goes into getting pregnant until you actually TRY to get pregnant.  After 6 months of nothing I went to see my doctor, she sent me for bloodwork with a list a mile long of things she wanted to check, 10 vials of blood later I was on my way.  Bloodwork comes back and she says she wants an ultrasound just to make sure everything is fine.  After she sends me for the ultrasound I get a call letting me know she is sending me to a specialist.  I try not to overthink what could be wrong and wait till I see him.  This doctor is very blunt and to the point which I knew going in, and preferred not having the situation sugar coated.  Turns out I have PCOS (Polycystic Ovary Syndrom) in short I don’t ovulate which is key when you want to get pregnant.  Thus starting our fertility treatments.

If you don’t know anyone who has gone through treatments it’s very emotionally and physically exhausting.  The specialist referred us to another Fertility doctor in his clinic when it showed that we would need more than the basic medication.  This other Dr was apparently world renowned and we had high hopes.  However, everything was experimental for his study, we were naive and we just wanted a baby so we went along with it.  A few months in we got the call that we had a positive pregnancy test.  We were so excited, a few days later we went for our first ultrasound but the doctor couldn’t find a heartbeat but figured it was probably just still early and took a blood test.  A few days after that our excitement turned to sadness as we found out we had lost the baby.  The only glimmer of hope we had to go on was that at least now we knew I could get pregnant!  A few more months passed and the medication was getting more frequent and not having any results, we were paying more than the shelf price for these drugs and our benefits were running out.  Our doctor seemed to have far too many patients and forgetting more and more about our individual situation.  We started questioning what we were doing, then we got the news that he would be moving to Texas and we would need to see another clinic.  We started with our new clinic in August but by the time all the tests and procedures were done it was February before we actually started treatments.  We had just bought our first home and moved in March, a 4 bedroom detached, little did we know we would soon need those 4 bedrooms. In May, we decided to try insemination since we were not having any luck with just the medication and shots.  When that didn’t work our doctor told us the best course of action would be to try IVF but to take a few months off to let my body take a break from all the medication but to continue trying on our own and come in for monitoring so that they could continue to chart me.  I told my husband I would do one round of IVF if it was unsuccessful we needed to come up with a new plan of growing our family.  After 2.5 years of treatments I just couldn’t do it anymore, I was just emotionally done.  In June, we continued with only 1 medication and monitoring.  On our anniversary I stopped by the clinic to get my bloodwork done so that could get my prescription filled for July, they told me they’d call around lunch hour to let me know.  I already knew it was negative as I didn’t feel pregnant at all.  To my surprise, the call was good news letting me know we had a very positive test my HCG level was 126 they count a 10 as a positive, 2 days later I was back in for more bloodwork, this time, it was 489 a good sign!  I was told to come back in 3 weeks for our first ultrasound we would be around 7 weeks so the heartbeat would be visible.  Needless to say, I was very weary about the pregnancy and 3 weeks couldn’t come fast enough.  We finally go in for the ultrasound, the tech is doing her thing, we can’t see anything so we are wondering if everything is ok.  She then turns to me and asks how many eggs I had to which I respond 2.  She turns the screen and says you sure did congrats it’s TWINS!

TWINS!!!! We were both so excited when we called my parents to let them know we told them we were having triplets which they knew right off the bat that we were joking and thought the same about the twins until we showed them the ultrasound picture.  The pregnancy was very much run of the mill, barely any morning sickness, I fell when I was 20 weeks pregnant at my prenatal class which resulted in us going to the hospital just to make sure everything was ok.  When we got there we were hooked up to a machine and lots of ultrasounds were taken.  The resident doctor had never taken an ultrasound of twins before and they were kicking and moving so much she couldn’t get their heartbeats which led us to believe they were more then fine if they were that active.  It was also at that time that I had felt them kick for the first time and they were very active after that.  We had several ultrasounds since a multiple birth is considered high risk, but at each ultrasound the sex of baby A changed it was a girl, a boy, still a boy and back to being a girl than a boy.  At a 3D ultrasound at 31 weeks, we were finally confirmed that baby A was indeed a girl she finally gave us the money shot.  Baby B had long been confirmed to be a boy.  We were going to have the million dollar family.

Our 36-week appointment ended up being on Valentine’s Day no big deal to us as we really didn’t celebrate it, however, I had just been to the doctor’s the week before and he said he wanted to push me to 37 or 38 weeks since everything was looking fine.  At this point, I hadn’t even had Braxton Hicks or dilated.  In my mind, these babies were still cooking so we didn’t bring the hospital bag but had brought it to every appointment from 30 weeks on.  When I saw my OB he said these babies are coming today, no go back home come back tomorrow, TODAY.  My mind is racing I’m not ready for this I need to prepare myself I thought I had more time, even though the day before I was saying just take these babies out of me!  He tells me that they have run out of room and stopped growing so it would be best for them to come out and also baby A is head down and baby B is transverse (laying across) so ideally they would induce me to deliver A naturally and “hopefully” be able to turn B around and if not then an emergency c-section.  I honestly can’t process all this information I tell him I need some time to think.   Naturally I call my mom who lives 5 hrs away she tells me to just ask for a c-section it would be the least amount of stress on the babies, I then call my grandmother who is also 5hrs away the same answer.  I then call my mom’s sisters 1 who is 5 hrs away and she said a c-section as well since they were tiny this would be the less risk to them.  The other sister lived close and left her meeting to come and be with me since the rest of the family was so far away.  Decision made c-section it was I didn’t worry about the down time for myself as I heal quickly and have a high pain tolerance I was only thinking about my babies and getting them out safely.  During delivery baby A came out kicking and screaming when baby B was delivered they said here’s the other boy.  My husband and I both looked at each other saying another boy, panicking about the closet full of pink but lucky for us we had chosen a gender-neutral name.  At 933 and 934pm on Valentine’s Day, Sawyer Gwenyth and Hudson Chase entered the world.  It was a beautiful moment and when I say a moment I mean literally 2 mins is all I got with my babies before they were rushed to the NICU.

We delivered at an excellent children’s hospital and up until after I delivered I thought the hospital was great then it all changed.  I was put in a ward room since our insurance did not cover a semi-private room.  I had one roommate who’s baby cried all night long because it was starving.  She was having problems breastfeeding and I commend her for keeping at it but when your baby is starving giving it formula to top up until you can get a latch in my mind should have been a no-brainer.  My neighbour next to me had no pain tolerance what so ever and constantly had the nurses in to help her or give her pain meds.  She also had a large family that visited all day long.  Meanwhile, 12 hrs have passed I can’t leave my bed because I still have a catheter in since the only time I see a nurse is when they need to check my vitals I also haven’t seen my babies except for those 2 mins before they were rushed out.  I finally get the catheter out and they give me the ok to sit up.  I’m wheeled to another wing of the hospital to the NICU ward and finally able to see my little babies, who despite being tiny 4.3 and 4.7 were healthy and only needed to regulate blood sugars and feed.  I fell in love all over again only I couldn’t touch them or hold them I just got to look at them through their incubators.  Day 2 I still hadn’t gotten any lactation support so the twins had been formula fed, finally, I stopped a nurse and told her I wanted to pump at least so they could get something.  She hadn’t me a pump and walked away.  On day 2 I also made myself get up and walk the longer I needed help the longer my hospital stay would be.  Day 3 I found out the twins were graduating to a level 2 nursery at another hospital they would still be in the NICU but we would be able to be more hands-on with them and not ask permission to hold our children.  I ended up releasing myself from the hospital as I was not letting my babies leave without me and I was not getting much care as it was.  When they were moved we finally were able to bond with the twins, I got the lactation support I needed although I never produced enough milk to sustain both of them but at least they got some breastmilk.  I spent every day at the hospital sometimes 12-18hrs the nurses finally told me I had to go home and look after myself before the babies finally came home.  That day looked like it would never come it was a very long 2 weeks and we never truly felt they were ours.  Finally, the day came we could bring them home we were so excited everything was ready, we loaded them into the car drove about 60 on the highway we panicked at every little sound.  March 1st 2013 was the first day we truly felt like a family, we didn’t have someone watching our every move, timing their feeds, were we holding them right etc…we could just be.

I’m not going to say that having twins is easy it’s just different and you learn to sink or swim.  The first year was easy for me, the second became more challenging with them being independent of each other and mobile.  We have just entered the Threenager phase and all I have to say is I HATE THREE, don’t get me wrong I love them and their little personalities but the attitude,back talk and tantrums I can do without!  I also find it strange that I seek comfort in knowing my 3-year-olds aren’t the only ones acting like this and that I haven’t completely failed as a parent.

Although my journey has had it’s up and downs, challenges and frustrations I wouldn’t have it any other way.  I have come to terms with my infertility and I’m not ashamed of the way I had to go about bringing children into the world.  I speak freely about it because I want others to know they are not alone.  We have since tried to expand our family without fertility treatments, and have been unsuccessful, we have decided to take a different path to grow our family by becoming foster to adopt parents and are excited to see where that journey takes us!

One thought on “My Journey to Becoming a Mother

  1. Hi there. I loved you post. I enjoyed how it was a very personal story. I think a lot of people enjoy reading these types of postings because they like a good story that has a beggining and an end. Stories can touch people and encourage others to pass on their own. A lot of advertisers have utilized the hsort story formats for online video advertising and have done well. I believe one of my favourties is the Cheerios shrot video vingettes they did on Youtube. They featured different families from different parts of the country who feed their children cheerios. I can’t remember what year it was from though…

    I am an adopted child myself. I am forever greatful that my adoptive parents took me in when my biological mother couldn’t or wouldn’t. When I was little though I used to think it was my brothers who were adopted. 🙂

    Anyways, stories are important in my opnion. I am sure many people can relate to yours.

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